Hi there. Today’s Republican Party here to thank you all for your continuing loyalty and support.
It’s been a rough past 7 months. We lost the presidential election by over 7 million votes. Then lost the Senate. Then witnessed an insurrection intended to block Congress from accepting the Electoral College vote that same day. So the loser could remain president. During which some loyal Republicans damaged national treasures, smeared human feces throughout our Capitol, and yelled “Hang Mike Pence, Hang Mike Pence” after constructing gallows on Capitol grounds.
But all these insurrectionists wanted was for Congress to reject valid election results and violate our highest law, the U.S. Constitution. To keep Donald in power. As he asked them to. Nothing worth investigating there, right? No reason to try to prevent such atrocities in the future, right? (If Obama had done exactly what Donald did, and Democrats had therefore attacked our Capitol, we know you would have been good with that, too. We know you aren’t hypocrites.)
Besides, we all know that the insurrectionists were really liberals just dressed as Donald supporters. We know this despite the posted angry denials by those we saw participate in the insurrection, and despite zero proof. (Thank you, Oregon Republican Party, for jumping in to help spread this lie.)
Thank you, Newsmax, OAN, and Fox, for endlessly inflaming you with the lies and deception you need to remain outraged, angry, and motivated Republican voters. After all, you (like most people) make your best decisions when angry, outraged and poorly informed.
Thank you for managing to ignore that we lost over 60 court cases seeking to reverse the election’s result (even losing with Donald-appointed judges), given our zero proof of significant voter fraud. But that’s the problem with courts. Judges actually demand proof of something before believing it. How outrageously stupid and limiting!
And don’t think we’re ignoring your completely baseless, but angry and heartfelt, belief in rampant voter fraud. We’re passing state laws making it much more difficult to vote in disproportionately Black, Brown and young communities. We’re making voting lines there even longer, by further cutting staff, reducing or eliminating drop boxes, banning or severely cutting back mail-in voting, and closing the polls when many Black and Brown church-members have traditionally voted.
We’re even outlawing giving food and water to those in need while in a voting line. Every Black or Brown citizen who has to leave these longer voting lines for water or food is potentially one less vote for Democrats. Because democracy, contrary to common perception, does not really mean that every citizen of age gets to freely vote. Not when White Republicans control the state government.
We know many Republicans aren’t racist, of course. But since a fair number of our party’s supporters are racist, and our margins for victory are so slim, we understandably fear saying anything that might offend racist Republicans. So, many thanks to those of you who aren’t racist but support our party’s ongoing racist policies with your vote. We’d be forced to abandon our racist pursuits if enough of you demanded we stop them.
Finally, a special thanks to those of you who treasure your religious beliefs enough to change God’s commandments. As you know, the Bible tells us that God’s two most important commandments include loving your neighbor. But some of you have personally revised that commandment, because you somehow know that God did not mean for us to love our Black neighbors, our Brown neighbors, our Asian neighbors, our immigrant neighbors, our gay or lesbian neighbors, our trans neighbors, and our Democratic neighbors. Instead, some of you believe God meant for us to love only our straight White Republican neighbors. Granted, this biblical revision is especially difficult to accept while knowing Jesus’ skin was brown. But since He’s pictured White almost everywhere He’s portrayed, Jesus’ brown skin is just another truth easily ignored or denied by these loyal Republicans.
Some may think it the epitome of arrogance for these individuals to believe they know what God wants from them better than what God told them He wants from them. But they do. Know this better. Better than God.